Abbe Lowell

* Judge rules that groping is not sexual harassment because twerking exists. This is going to shock you, but the opinion wasn’t written by either Kavanaugh or Thomas. [Legal Cheek]

* Where will the Mueller team go now that their work is done? I just want Mueller to stare directly into a camera and say, “I’m going to Disneyworld.” [National Law Journal]

* More Biglaw firms joining the Varsity Blues case. [American Lawyer]

* Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t believe Gonzaga exists outside of a basketball team. The law school dean went on TV to prove Gonzaga is a real school. [Law.com]

* When is a potato skin not a potato skin? [Law360]

* First pass interference, now this: Bob Kraft’s prostitution videos are probably public records so we’ll get to review those soon enough. [Deadspin]

* Abbe Lowell’s email issues now include a record of him trying to influence the Cohen testimony to cover for Ivanka. [Vanity Fair]

* President Donald Trump claims he has no plans to fire special counsel Robert Mueller — which, according to past precedent in the Trump administration, means Mueller’s days as special counsel may be numbered. [Washington Post]

* By order of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, the Second Circuit will be handling the formal inquiry into Ninth Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski’s alleged harassment of women who once served as his clerks and externs. [The Recorder]

* Like father-in-law, like son-in-law: a law firm is suing Jared Kushner’s real estate company for failure to pay any of its legal fees for work performed from December 2014 to May 2015. [New York Daily News]

* Uh oh… In other Kushner-related news, word on the street that’s since been confirmed by Abbe Lowell is that the first son-in-law’s legal team is trying to find a crisis public relations firm to handle inquiries into their client’s role in the Trump-Russia investigation. [Washington Post]

* According to recently released Standard 509 reports, law school enrollment was essentially flat between 2016 and 2017, with a negligible 0.7 percent decrease in law students. What’s more interesting is the fact that for the first time ever, law schools’ bar passage rates weren’t included in the reports. That information will be out next March, when it’s less helpful for prospective students. [ABA Journal]

* Jared Kushner has hired Abbe Lowell to negotiate his plea represent him in the Russia probe. [Reuters]

* Jay Sekulow convinced poor and jobless people to donate money to a non-profit and then funneled millions back to his family according to documents obtained by The Guardian. This is why you don’t hire lawyers because you like how they look on TV. [The Guardian]

* What law firms had the best go of it before the Supreme Court? [Law360]

* Speaking of the Supreme Court, get ready for a showdown over SEC ALJs. Feel the excitement! [National Law Journal]

* Happy 125th birthday to Quarles & Brady. [Big Law Business]

* Avvo client-linking services now banned in New Jersey. Apparently dumping toxic sludge is better than paying a marketing fee in New Jersey. [ABA Journal]

* Former State Attorney arrested for naked mayhem in hotel. If I had a dime… [Tallahassee Democrat]

* Enjoy your Biglaw bonuses now, because according to managing partners, layoffs and de-equitizations may soon be making their return. Oh, only in Pennsylvania? Woohoo, break out the bubbly! Just kidding, that really sucks if it’s true. [Legal Intelligencer]

* The Environmental Protection Agency has temporarily banned BP from entering into future U.S. government contracts because of the company’s “lack of business integrity,” aka the Deepwater Horizon explosion. Ouch, super sick burn, EPA! [National Law Journal]

* Considering going to law school? Then you should also take into consideration the fact that you’ll have to become a lawyer if you want to stand a remote chance of ever being able to pay off your loans. [Fox Business]

* Paul Ceglia pleaded not guilty to fraud charges yesterday in federal court. If only he actually owned half of Facebook as he claims, he probably wouldn’t have a court-appointed attorney representing him. [Bloomberg]

* “No matter how many high-priced lawyers and publicists she employs, she has been exposed for what she is.” Jill Kelley’s lawyer is on the offensive, and his targets are none too pleased about it. [Associated Press]

* Avvo has decided to sell its health business to focus entirely on providing services to lawyers and legal customers. Now the company will be able to do the law justice. (SWIDT?) [Puget Sound Business Journal]

* Dewey get to see a member of this firm’s chairman’s office strut for a perp walk in the near future? After all, partners reportedly say that it’s thanks to him that D&L may close up shop “as early as next week.” [Law360 (sub. req.)]

* De-equitize this: Oh, how Biglaw firms in America wish that they could return to merry old England, where mandatory retirement policies for old fart partners are the norm, and the courts agree. [Legal Week]

* “We’re about to beat a dead horse here.” Even the judge presiding over the John Edwards trial got pissed when the defense repeatedly asked variations of the same question on cross-examination. [MSNBC]

* Ain’t no shame in his game (well, actually, there is). Judge Wade McCree’s lawyer says he’s sure the judge is sorry for his sext messaging. Yeah, sorry he got caught. [Detroit Free Press]

* Is this the first test of the “ministerial exception” in the Perich case? A teacher at a Catholic school was fired for getting in vitro fertilization treatments, and now she’s suing. [CNN]

* Insert your own UVA joke here, bro. Yeardley Love’s family has filed a $30M wrongful death suit against former college lacrosse player, George Huguely V. [Washington Examiner]